Am I A Middle-Class Wanker?

I wrote some thoughts in my notebook coming home on the 63 bus on Sunday:

Caitlin Moran’s column in the Times Magazine this weekend was about why, despite having her own conservatory and piano and recycled wine glasses, she still feels working rather than middle class. And how it’s not about how her life looks, but her frame of mind. What a silly thing to write for the Times! It’s only going to be read by other middle-class people at their kitchen tables over their morning filter coffee. None of her readership will identify with her at all!

As I read the column, eating grapefruit in my friend’s kitchen with all matching appliances (including an impressive 4-piece toaster with bagel button), I completely agreed with her. She admits that ‘the way we calibrate class in this country does indeed insist that if I were now … to claim that I am still working class, I would be, in some obscure way, a bit of a w***er’. And that is true. The logical explanation for this is that in identifying yourself as working class you are claiming you have less than you do, and to do so implies you do not appreciate what you have. I often worry about the level of hypocrisy I excude when I talk to my friends at university about the importance of unemployment benefits and child support and EMA while shopping for new dresses at the Bullring Topshop. But that doesn't stop me feeling working class, like my upbringing still matters. Class has not been defined purely in monetary terms by just about anyone for like, ages. The real reason you’re seen as a bit of a knob for distinguishing yourself as a class that belies your earnings, is that you’re seen as a try-hard. You’re like a tory MP rallying for votes in Sheffield by maintaining you’re best mates with Jarvis Cocker. But Jarvis Cocker has just as much money as a tory MP. Does that mean they are now of a similar social class? Does the fact that a bunch of people really really liked Pulp and paid money for their albums make Jarvis a wanker for continuing to sing about common people?  

Of course not. As humans we make stereotypes because we like to define things. We like rigid rules to dictate these definitions, so that we can recognise people and put them into categories easily. We want to know as much as we can about stuff; our brain naturally wants to fill in the gaps. So we like to be able to see a copy of The Art Book, or a Nigella recipe out in someone’s home and immediately be able to deduce from that that they also probably liked The White Album and have recently taken up knitting. All these traits are of course as unconnected to class as they are to each other. There seems to have been something of an obsession recently with defining ‘middle-class’. Recycling is middle-class, irony is middle-class, guilt is middle-class, swearing for effect is middle-class. Mocking the middle-class is middle class. According to the blog ‘Stuff White Brits Like’, ambivalence about Will Self is middle-class. Seriously? Ambivalence about Will Self is the default emotion everyone has about Will Self. Those overly long and complicated words he uses in his consciously deep and philosophical writing. He epitomises the ‘fit but you know it’ dilemma. Will Self himself is probably ambivalent about Will Self (the self-aware middle-class twat). It doesn’t matter how you were brought up and what you believe in. As soon as you start a compost heap or use the c-word you are no longer allotted the right to quote Arthur Scargill or drink tennants. It’s a package deal. You have to move out of your flat, take your compost and dirty words down to Surrey, buy a cat which you will have to name after an obscure 80s music icon and start a record collection. Because OBVIOUSLY there can’t be any overlap. Working and middle-class people can’t engage in the same activities. They are two distinct spheres. How on earth can people in completely separate worlds both follow Stephen Fry on twitter? It’s confusing an immovable divide!

Come on guys, it’s not about what you buy, or what music you listen to. I may buy organic when I can, and find Thom Yorke's voice enchanting and beautiful. But this is Britain, class is POLITICAL. Financially, my social class confuses me. Politically, it does not. Despite not having very much money when I was a child, I can’t deny the reasonable cushtie-ness of my life. Being met with the fierce scent from the brewery across the road every time we opened the door or window of our first Edinburgh flat made me feel poor (especially that time when upstairs had a shower and our kitchen ceiling fell in). Reading Irvine Welsh a few years later made me feel very, very well off. Mark Renton would shun me as a peroni-drinking university dickhead. I mean, my mum’s not a miner. She’s a camera operator. We have an imac. I’ve spent whole hours of my life convincing her of our new, undeniable middle-class status, pointing to the aforementioned snazzy computer, and her own black and white photography framed on the walls of our open plan living room. PRIVILEGE, DUH. But my reflex has always been to regard middle-class as something I’m surrounded by, rather than part of. I will still feel far more easily united under the phrase ‘tory scum’ than ‘squeezed middle’. As Ms Moran says, the good old days were only good for the man. Being working class is about change: ‘joy, revolution, progress, urbanity, carousing until you bust’. The only way is up. Restlessness; a need for change. Walking down Millbank on the first student fees march in 2010,the beautiful flames outside office buildings warming my belly and satiating my need for some kind of revolution (however small), I received a text from my grandma saying ‘I’m in Trafalgar Sq, where are you?’. That made me feel brilliant. She didn’t receive the call-to-arms passed round every student halls in the country, but still she wrapped herself up and left her Hertfordshire home to defend what she believed in. She remembered the importance of higher education not only in providing young people with degrees, but also an opportunity to GET OUT. Whether you’re looking from a balcony at the top of a tower block, or through your bay window onto a tree lined street, the world can still look old and crap, and in need of a reshuffle.

If our current earnings negate our past ones, then there’s no reason to hope to vote anyone into Parliament who will actually represent the working classes. If we connect salary with one’s ability to identify with certain classes, then as soon as anyone gets elected and settles into their accommodation near Westminster, we effectively retract their ability to communicate with the common man. I’m not saying social typecasting is the only thing stopping politicians being fair and open-minded. I’m not so naïve as to assume that our poor representatives really have a degree of ‘normality’ to prove, and we’re being unfair in branding them ridiculous for queuing up in northern pasty shops attempting to dupe us into thinking they’re just like Roger from Greggs except if he had power. I know they’re not stuck feeling hopelessly trapped in their lonely upper-class money bubbles, jumping up and down in a furious attempt to smash through the glass ceiling, trying desperately to free themselves from the GOSH DARN pheasant dinners and free police horse trials. But champagne socialism is rare. And people do play-up to their stereotypes. So putting so much emphasis on rigidly defined class, and labeling people as wankers for trying to contradict their background probably doesn’t help.  

OH. And why was I reading the Times Magazine on a Sunday morning, you ask? They don’t sell that it New York, do they? And you won’t have bought your way round the pay wall will you Siobhan, you blatant Guardian reader. Well no, that’s true. I was reading the weekend paper left on my friend’s kitchen table. In south London. I left my internship at BAB, and I left New York, and I flew back to England. They don’t really have class war there. Or healthcare. And the lights are really, really too bright. I had no kinfolk, and the utterly superfluous business of international bigwig schmoozery was getting me down big time. So I only lasted 3 months as a grown-up. I’m going to take a break and try again. Anyway, more explanation coming soon, but for now, it’s great to be back in the shire. Just great.